I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
They have beer where we have blood.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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