Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
