I should be sponsored by Trojan
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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