So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The ass gains better be worth it
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