how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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