sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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