My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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