I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I can't put those talents on a resume
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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