i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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