I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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