I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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