I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
