I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
