Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize