My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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