i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
