I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
