You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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