how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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