fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
