dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
