Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
