Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
