Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
vagina is talking i cant
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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