Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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