I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
