You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
