Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
