i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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