cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
