He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
