btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
