got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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