Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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