I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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