Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
