I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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