My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
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