It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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