a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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