So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize