woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
