I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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