You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
