I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
