My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
