Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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