I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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