capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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