She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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