oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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