I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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