Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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