my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
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