I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
