tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Drunk is a universal language darling
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize