I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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