i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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