hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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