Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
