His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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